


found a place to rest my head (never let me go)

by bulletsandbutterflies (turningpages)



Series: been waiting a hundred years (and I'd wait a million more) [3]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Character Study, Endgame Fix-It, Fix-It, Happy Ending, I Will Go Down With This Ship, M/M, Not Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), because i can't help myself, of sorts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-28
Updated: 2019-04-30
Packaged: 2020-02-09 07:33:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18633667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/turningpages/pseuds/bulletsandbutterflies
Summary: ENDGAME SPOILERS.He tries not to dwell on the unfairness of it. How they had only just been reunited before he was taken away from Steve again. Dwelling makes it harder to move on.But it’s hard to forget him when he comes to Steve in his dreams. Sometimes, they’re sixteen again, drinking glass after glass of cheap beer to forget the harsh reality that they were struggling to meet ends meet. Other times, they’re in the war, huddled together in the trenches to keep themselves warm from the unforgiving chills of winter.And there are nights where Steve feels hands on his skin, warm and metal, soft lips against his own.In which, Endgame decided to ignore Stucky completely so I've come here to fix it.





	1. should I tear my heart out now?

**Author's Note:**

> I'm dedicating this fic to the Russo brothers. Thank you for constantly failing to acknowledge Stucky in your movies, which in turn inspires me to write :) (I have a lot of respect for them, of course! I'm just mad that they never do Stucky justice.)
> 
> Could be read as a sequel to [we all need someone to stay (need you to stay)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14470152).
> 
> Title taken from Never Let Me Go by Florence + The Machines. Chapter titles taken from The Only Thing by Sufjan Stevens.

“This is gonna work, Steve,” Natasha assures him on Rocket’s ship as they wait for Danvers to return from her recon of the planet. He admires her optimism, despite the crushing defeat they had just faced, but he uses her certainty to fuel his own.

“I know it is,” he replies, shifting his gaze from the endless stretch of space to see the resolution burning in her eyes. “Because I don’t know what I’m gonna do if it doesn’t.”

He doesn’t have to tell Natasha why.

***

When Thanos reveals what he had done to the stones, dashing their hopes of bringing half of the world back, to reunite with their friends and loved ones, all he could think is, _Not again, not again._

_God, not again._

***

He tries not to dwell on the unfairness of it. How they had only just been reunited before he was taken away from Steve (again). Dwelling makes it harder to move on, and really, Steve can’t afford to be a hypocrite, not when he’s counselling countless of people to continue on with their lives.

But it’s hard to forget Bucky when he comes to Steve in his dreams. Sometimes, they’re sixteen again, drinking pint after pint of beer or whatever alcohol they could afford to forget the harsh reality that they were struggling to meet ends, Bucky having to work overtime most nights because Steve would be too sick to do anything. Other times, they’re in the war, huddled together in the trenches, trying and failing to themselves warm from the unforgiving chills of winter.

And there are nights where Steve feels hands on his skin, warm and metal, soft lips against his own. He wakes up to these dreams hard, and while most of the time he gathers enough self-control to curl up on his side and force himself to sleep, there are times where he takes himself in his hand and imagines that it’s Bucky’s calloused hands on his cock. Or he thinks about Bucky’s tongue playing with his nipples, flicking the hard buds and wringing pleading noises out of him, or how full he feels when Bucky is inside of him. He always cries out Bucky’s name as he finishes.

When the high inevitably leaves him, his pants having turned to muffled weeping, he falls asleep with tears on his cheeks.

***

It turns out Lang had never been one of the billions of people that disappeared into nothing but dead leaves. He comes to them blabbering about time machines and his time trapped in some sort of realm and what sounds like a whole lot of nonsense to Steve. But all that nonsense turns out to be a way for them to reverse what Thanos had done, and Steve finds a newfound appreciation for quantum physics, whatever it is (because hell, he’s never going to understand it).

When Bruce agrees to help them, and Tony arrives on his Audi (his entrance as over the top as always), Steve lets himself hope.

***

It’s a bizarre feeling, fighting himself (surprisingly, even more bizarre than the fact they’re back in 2012). He’s dealt with stronger enemies, opponents who were on par with his fighting skills. But as he takes another punch to the stomach, he realises he’s fighting a perfect equal. “I can do this all day,” his former self says, and Steve finally understands the slight irritation his rivals must’ve felt whenever he uttered that phrase.

Really, it’s almost fun. That is, until they fall off the side of the bridge, and his other self traps him in a chokehold. He’s losing oxygen fast, his thoughts blurring and muscles weakening, so with what remaining air he has, he deals his last hand.

“Bucky is alive.”

“What?” his other self gasps, stilling long enough for Steve to knock him (himself?) out. He stares at the prone figure of his younger self — “That is America’s ass,” he can’t help but remark, satisfied to discover that all the time he spends working out does pay off — and ponders what had just happened. It figures that the mere mention of Bucky is the only thing that would make him drop his defences - something that even the compass with Peggy’s picture couldn’t do. It should’ve been clear to him back then who his heart really belonged to.

He can be so oblivious, sometimes.

***

Or maybe, it didn’t fully belong to Bucky. He watches Peggy enter the room, and he’s in 1938 again, meeting Peggy for the first time. He’s hit hard with a sense of nostalgia, of the longing he once felt for this incredible woman, and he relives that one kiss they shared, feels his heart hammering in his ribcage and the warmth of Peggy’s body. That night she came out in the red dress, he had thought, _I’m going to marry her someday_ , and he sees her now and wonders if he still would if he could have the chance.

He has the chance now, he thinks, the vials of Pym particles suddenly feeling heavier in his pockets. But he doesn't have time to linger over the possibilities now. So he leaves Peggy once more, but he doesn’t stop thinking about her. 

***

That is, until he catches Bucky’s eyes from a distance as he walks out of Strange’s portal, taking a selfish moment to drink in the sight of him after five long years. Bucky smirks at him in acknowledgment, and for a few seconds, Steve forgets that they're fighting to stop the extinction of mankind. All he sees is Bucky, who looks exactly as he did five years ago, when Steve had watched him disappear right in front of him, Bucky’s hand stretched out as if to reach him, calling out Steve's name. And as Steve turns to face Thanos and his army, he’s briefly paralysed by a rising sense of dread that they might not survive this fight, that Bucky might have been brought back just for Steve to watch him die.

When he charges, his shield in one hand and Mjolnir in the other, the force of the whole Avengers assembled behind him, he finds himself thinking, _Please, don’t take him away from me. Not again._

***

By some miracle, they both don’t die, but despite the yearning he feels to be close to Bucky, they don’t get the time to do so. There’s Tony’s funeral (Steve still can’t believe he’s gone, still can’t process the grief he feels over losing one of his best friends), and Bruce insisting that he checks the vitals and mental state of all the Avengers who were disintegrated. 

There’s also the fact that Steve has no idea what he wants for himself once he’s returned the stones and Mjolnir in their respective timelines. There are no words to express how happy he feels to have Bucky back, and he knows that with the threat of Thanos eliminated and Bucky no longer fighting for control of his mind, they could finally be together. It had taken them two lifetimes to finally admit how they felt for each other, but here they are now, free to love one another.

But he’s never been presented with the opportunity to reunite with Peggy before, and he struggles with the _what ifs_ , the idea of living out that life he dreamt of with her. He thinks of their instant connection, the spark he felt whenever they were together, the sound of her laughter, the smell of her hair the last time they embraced.

And what would happen to everyone else if he stayed? Bruce had stressed why it was so important for them to return the stones to the exact time and place they took them from, mentioning something about branching timelines and Ancient Ones.

He’s never felt so torn, never felt so selfish. But he decides to talk to Bucky about it. It’s only fair that Bucky knows what he’s feeling.

But when hey finally get to be alone together the night before Steve has to leave for the past, Steve doesn’t get to share his thoughts at all. As soon as they’re in Steve’s room, Bucky is pushing him onto the bed, claiming his lips in a bruising kiss and stripping their clothes off. He takes Steve from behind and fucks him hard — their hands intertwined and Bucky panting against Steve’s nape — thrusting with unerring aim until Steve comes untouched, shaking underneath Bucky’s strong frame as Bucky continues to ram into him until he comes inside of Steve. They do it all over again, although this time Steve straddles Bucky's lap and rides his cock, watching the way Bucky throws his head back with a low groan, eyes shut with pleasure. Bucky's grip on his waist is so tight that if Steve didn’t have accelerated healing he would be bruised the next day. Bucky doesn’t say anything the whole time — except for Steve’s name, falling from his lips like a prayer, a plea, and Steve wonders if he already knows.>

They fall asleep in each other’s arms, Bucky’s head on Steve’s chest, his metal arm draped possessively around Steve’s waist. But when Steve wakes up, he finds himself alone on the bed, the space where Bucky had been last night already cold. He’s relieved to see Bucky with Sam and Bruce at the clearing, half-afraid that he had decided not to send Steve off.

“Don’t do anything stupid while I’m gone,” he jokes, recalling how Bucky had said those same words to him all those years ago.

“How can I? You’re taking all the stupid with you,” Bucky counters, not missing a beat, but the smile on his face doesn’t quite reach his eyes.

And when Bucky whispers, “I’m gonna miss you, buddy,” Steve realises he should say something — an explanation, an apology, _anything_.

But he’s never been good with words, so he only says, “It’s going to be okay, Buck.”


	2. everything I feel returns to you somehow

When he returns to the present, Steve had to take a second to process the scene in front him: Bruce, Sam and Bucky standing in the exact spots he left them, like no time had passed at all. But of course, not much time did pass for them. It had taken Steve what felt like weeks to return all the stones to their respective timelines, but in this reality, it took him only the time for Bruce to countdown from five — he would never understand time travel no matter how hard he’d try.

Bruce is the first to greet him as he walks down the platform. “You got them all back?”

“All six, and Mjolnir too,” he confirms just before he finds himself gasping for air as Bruce traps him in a crushing embrace.

“It’s good to have you back in one piece, Cap,” Bruce says once he’s let Steve go, his normally steady voice heavy with emotion, and Steve knows he’s thinking of Natasha, of Tony. They might have won the war against Thanos, but with everyone they’ve lost, it’s hard for Steve to feel triumphant.

“It’s good to be back,” Steve agrees, his gaze trailing to Bucky, who hasn’t moved a muscle and is staring pointedly at the ground. Steve frowns, puzzled by Bucky’s reaction to his return, but he’s distracted by Sam pulling him into a hug.

“Could’ve gone with you, you know.”

“So you said,” Steve chuckles as they part, moving his hand to rest on Sam’s shoulder. “I have one last favour to ask of you.”

“Anything you need, Steve.”

He holds out his shield to Sam, watches as Sam’s face shifts from confusion to dawning realisation. 

“I—I can’t,” he finally manages. “I won’t do it justice.”

“You will,” Steve insists, pushing the shield closer to Sam’s hands. “Go on, try it out.”

Sam glances at Bucky instead, like he’s asking for Bucky’s blessing, and it’s only after Bucky nods, lips curved into a small smile, that Sam takes the shield from Steve. He had thought it’d be harder for him to part with it, and though he felt like he was saying goodbye to an old friend, he welcomes the relief that washes over him. 

“How does it feel?”

Sam hesitates, testing the weight of the metal. “Like it’s someone else’s.”

“It isn’t,” Steve assures him. He knows he’s made the right choice. There’s no one else he’d trust more to take up his mantel. 

“So, you’re not going to fight alongside us anymore, I take it?”

“I’ll come find you if you ever really need me,” Steve says with a small smile. “But for now, I think I’ll try some of that life Tony told me to get.”

“Can’t think of anyone who deserves it more than you,” Sam grins, giving him a mock salute, before walking towards Bruce, allowing Steve to finally walk up to Bucky, who’s drifted to the edge of the lake. 

“Hey, Buck,” he says softly once he’s next to him. He tries not to feel too hurt when Bucky doesn’t even look at him, taking the time to study Bucky’s profile, instead. The sun has started to set, casting a soft glow on Bucky’s features. Steve remembers how he used to steal glances of his best friend when they were younger, admiring his chiseled jawline, his obscenely red mouth. God, Bucky is beautiful, and It feels so good to be able to stare openly, with no fear that Bucky would punch him in the face or end their friendship.

“You came back,” Bucky says finally without looking at Steve, his eyes squinting at a distant point in the horizon.

“I was only gone for five seconds,” Steve offers in a lame effort to lighten the mood

“It was the longest five seconds I had to live through,” Bucky laughs, but it sounds hollow, and he turns to finally meet Steve’s eyes. “I was so sure I’d never see you again, that you’d stay in the past. When you volunteered to return the stones and that hammer by yourself, I just knew—.” He stops, swallows hard, like he’s physically trying to stop the waves of emotions that’s pouring out of him. “I’d thought you’d find Peggy, finally settle down.”

Steve had thought about it, wasted almost a good hour hanging around S.H.I.E.LD’s base, tempted by the idea of going back to Peggy. He remembered seeing Tony with his daughter and thought about what his life would have been like if he hadn’t crashed into the ice and lost seventy years. How, with Bucky gone, he would have eventually married Peggy and maybe had a daughter who would’ve embraced him the way Morgan had clung to Tony. And it wasn’t a bad thought. A part of him wanted it, even yearned for it. A house with a white picket fence. A loving wife who’d fight crime by his side. He had seen his picture on her desk and knew that she thought about him constantly the same way he thinks about her. They’d finally get to share that dance.

But he had also seen how she continued to live her life after he disappeared. The few seconds he got to see her working, see her thriving, made him realise that while she might miss him, might even still love him, she had moved on. And in all honesty, so had he. He had the moment he found out Bucky was alive. And he could never live a life with Peggy knowing that he had left Bucky behind in another timeline. Steve and Peggy had found each other in the midst of a raging war, when emotions ran high and the possibility of every day being their last hanging over their heads. Who knew what they would’ve felt for each when normality finally sunk in? But Bucky — Bucky is his constant, the one person who had always been there for him for as long as he could remember. 

Deep down he knows, Peggy might be his best girl, might have fallen in love with him even before they turned him into Captain America, but whenever there was a choice — between Bucky and Peggy, or his shield, or the whole damn world — it would always be Bucky. 

But he has a lifetime to tell Bucky this, so he settles with, “Guess you thought wrong.”

“You love her. You had another chance to be with her again, and you came back here instead.”

“I have another chance to be with you here,” he says. Bucky makes a sound of protest, but Steve quickly cuts him off. “What Peggy and I had, that was special, and she’ll always have a place in my heart. But me and you, Buck, we’re inevitable. I lost you three times, and for some goddamn reason, I was lucky enough to always get you back. I sure as hell am not gonna bet on a fourth time.” 

When Bucky doesn’t respond, Steve continues, “Peggy is my past. It’s high time I move forward, and I want to do that with you. Goddamnit, Buck, I love you. How can I get that through that thick skull of yours?”

Bucky smiles, then. Not the cheeky grin he used to flash those dames, or the exasperated one — the one that seems to convey, “I love you, but you’re such an idiot.” — he would throw at Steve whenever he did something stupid. But the wide smile that lights up his whole face, the one that never fails to make Steve feel like his heart is going to burst out of his chest. “I love you too, you punk. Always have, always will,” he says and proceeds to take Steve’s face in his hands and kiss him, slow and sweet, licking his way into Steve’s mouth until all Steve could taste is Bucky. They only part when Bruce and Sam start whistling and hollering, and Bucky growls at them to get lost, sounding so much like the Winter Soldier for a second — and oh, that really shouldn’t turn Steve on, but God help him, it does. 

“What do you say to retiring at the ripe old age of 101?” Steve asks when they’re alone, and Bucky has pulled him close so that his back was flushed against Bucky’s chest, Bucky’s strong arms around him.

“It’s probably time we let younger punks take care of the bad guys,” Bucky muses. “Retirement doesn’t sound bad at all...as long as we aren’t moving to a farm. I think I’ve had enough goat herding to last me a lifetime. Although those buggers aren’t half bad, really.”

Steve laughs. “You are going to shave that beard though, right?”

“You don’t think it makes me look manly?” Bucky goads with a snort.

“You’ll still look manly without it." After a few moments of deliberation, he adds, “But you should keep the hair.”

“Hm, I guess the hair would be useful for some Winter Soldier roleplay,” Bucky teases, but this conjures up images of Bucky holding him down and fucking him with his suit on, making Steve squirm in Bucky’s arms. “Oh, I guess we’re definitely doing that now.”

Steve flushes at that remark. “Shut up, like you wouldn’t enjoy it.”

“I never said I wouldn’t,” Bucky murmurs, voice low with arousal, making Steve shiver. 

They grow silent, watching the sun’s slow crawl from the sky, and enjoying the feeling of finally being able to hold one another without threats of an alien invasion or a sinister organisation or a world war.

“There’s one thing I regret not doing while I was in the past,” Steve confesses after a while, tightening his grip on Bucky’s hands. “I didn’t tell them about you. I wanted to, knowing what you had to suffer through, but I didn’t know how it would affect the timeline. I couldn’t risk it without being sure.”

“Hey, it’s fine,” Bucky says softly, kissing Steve’s temple. “I know in whatever timeline we’re in, you’d always find me.”

***

They settle down in a rural town not too far from New York because no matter how much they want to keep a low profile, they couldn’t stand the idea of being too far away from Brooklyn. Bucky gets a Harley and sets up a mechanics shop in their garage. Steve continues leading group therapy sessions in their community centre, only this time he’s also helping people who were disintegrated reconcile the five years they lost. They keep in touch with Sam, who comes over once in a while to give them updates on the new team, and Pepper, so that they could keep tabs on Morgan (Tony would be happy to know that Steve’s making sure his daughter is safe and happy).

They don’t get goats, but they adopt two stray dogs from the shelter. In the beginning, Bucky would grumble about the amount of fur the two retrievers were shedding around the house, but Steve knows it’s all an act. More than once, he’s caught Bucky dozed off on the bed with Daisy and Boomer — “Why did we let Morgan name them, again?” "Because we can't say no to a six-year-old child, Buck." — sprawled around him (Steve might have taken a picture or two for future blackmailing purposes).

Some nights, Bucky still screams in his sleep, his memories as the Winter Soldier haunting him in his dreams. And whenever they watch the news about the world going to shits, Steve feels a crushing sense of guilt that he’s no longer there to help. But Steve holds Bucky through the worst of his nightmares, and Bucky reminds Steve that the world has superheroes fighting for them still, distracting Steve from his thoughts with more ways than one (Steve’s favourite is when Bucky fucks him with his metal arm on the couch, until Steve is nothing but sobbing mess, coming in Bucky’s mouth and clenching hard around his fingers). They have each other, like all those years ago when it was just Bucky and Steve — long before the war, before the Avengers.

Steve keeps the compass with Peggy’s picture on top of their fireplace, but Bucky doesn’t mind. He knows who Steve will always choose in the end, and on the off chance he feels even a sliver of doubt, all he has to do is look at the words engraved on the insides of their matching rings (Steve might have cried when Bucky knelt on one knee in their favourite park, the dogs barking and bounding around them as they kissed), a promise they had made to each other decades ago:

_‘Til the end of the line._

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments really make my day :) 
> 
> I would love to talk to you about this fic or cry about Endgame (;_;) or fangirl over Stucky!


End file.
